Over the years, I've tried a number of things, no matter how kooky, to deal with chronic pain and depression. People kept saying "Have you looked into diet as a cause of your pain?" And I ignored all those assholes because what do they know? I was born to carb, and I didn't even want to consider that my martini-and-ice-cream diet had anything to do with it. But eventually you get to that magical age where you have to visit that foreign land, Moderationville, before some doctor somewhere tells you that your next martini will be your last. So we Whole30'd. Here are the hilarious results.