That There is Some Smooth Poopin'!

Well we survived Day 1 with our asses intact! Despite having eaten the better part of one farmer’s entire arugula crop in the past 24 hours, as well as a fucking flotilla of beets and carrots, my innards are feeling downright airy and pleasant. 

The Wife was kind enough to venture to Berkeley Bowl since that place makes my head explode even when I’m just running in for one item, let alone for a grocery list the size of Ted Nugent’s ego. Both of us were a-skeered at what the grand total would be since we were getting some weird shit. All in all, we spent $190 on the groceries below. But Berkeley Bowl has a huge bulk foods section and they are surprisingly affordable. Plus, we already had a lot of the staples. My guess is that if you had to stock up your pantry for this cleanse and had to do your shopping someplace like Whole Paycheck, the week’s groceries could run you more like $300. Breakfast/lunch recipes are one serving size, and dinners are four servings, two of which you use the next day for lunch. 

Lunch was this. Very Asian-influenced flavors. The miso dressing packed a seriously flavorful punch and went well with the classic cucumber/radish/carrot combo. But let me tell you, if you think it’s no big deal to sit down and eat FOUR FUCKING CUPS OF ARUGULA, you would be wrong. That was the goddamned chewiest meal I’ve ever eaten, and that includes the time I had to sit down and eat a bowl of chittlins that my ex-boyfriend’s mother made on New Year’s Day. (Her quote to her son: “I knew that little white girl didn’t like my chittlins, and I didn’t give a shit.”) I have the horrible habit of shoveling my meals in my face like a Les Mis street urchin. There’s no shoveling in four cups of lettuce in one sitting. Holy hell. 

All in all, I would make this again. I spent years not eating salad because where I grew up, salad meant iceberg lettuce; pale, flavorless beefsteak tomatoes, and strings of peeled carrots. Maybe if Mom was feeling sassy, a cucumber! It took years of me living in California to realize a salad could be so much more. This was one of those salads. The crunchy pepitas mix was good and hella flavorful, but because it was the yummiest thing, we only got a few teaspoonsful. Also, I cut the tofu early during prep and took the portions we were using for the salad and soaked them in the miso dressing to boost the tofu flavor. It was really good. 

The prep. Y’all were right. Sweetbabyjesus, I can barely bring myself to type this as I’m pretty sure I’ve developed carpal tunnel in my chopping arm. I tried to flip off a shitty driver this morning and felt a shooting spasm up my arm as I extended my middle finger. However, reading a bit ahead, I discovered you use things like the miso dressing and pepitas crunch in other recipes later in the week. Whoever designed this menu seems to have put a lot of thought into streamlining this as much as possible. But don’t kid yourselves: this is going to take up a lot of your time. Part of what I’m getting out of this is that it’s giving me a project to really get into and get zen about. Cooking is something that used to calm me. And then it didn’t anymore. So this is bringing me back to something I love while giving me tangible things to accomplish and helping me practice focused meditation on a task or tasks. FUCK YOU, YES IM AWARE OF HOW FUCKING HIPPIE NEW AGE SPAZZTASTIC THAT SOUNDED! Whatever. 

We were a bit terrified of dinner since it contains beets. I don’t wanna hear shit from the Beet Defenders. I know many people love them, but for the most part, I think they taste like what a dirty tampon buried in someone’s backyard for a month would taste like. You can taste blood (which is the iron in them, I know) and dirt in every fucking bite. No thank you. 

So it was with a dubious nature that I laid down some phat beets:

Sorry y’all, had to. 

Anyway, long story short, we made this, which was supposed to look like this:

…but when we were done with our less-than-fancy presentation, looked more like this:

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I believe there’s a term for this phenomenon and it’s called: NAILED IT! 

Despite it looking like a bowl of barf, the flavor was really good. The roastiness of the root veggies, the quinoa, and the green tahini sauce all played off each other nicely–the herbs and the lemon in the sauce brightened up the root veggies–and the walnuts in the quinoa are essential; they give the whole shebang a nice crunch. But the big surprise came when we discovered that the beets actually didn’t suck. That’s all we’re begrudgingly willing to admit at this time: that roasted beets don’t suck. Plus, there’s still something a little Eau d’Platex about them for my liking. 

Anyway, we survived with all the prepping and cleanup, but it will be the thing that will drive us fucking insane for the next two weeks. I’m off to eat the leftover root veggies from last night atop four fucking cups of arugula. Christ, these meals are getting chewier. By the time this cleanse is over, I’ll have enough jaw strength to blow a hockey team.