First and foremost, I wanna thank any of you who listened to my podcast, which I released on Tuesday! I’ve been getting good feedback, which makes me deliriously happy. My producer, Thor (I know, my producer’s name is THOR, how rad is that?!?) says I need to prepare myself for the inevitable haters because The Internet, and I know it will surely come, but right now I’m trying very hard to take a minute to savor the fact that I finally accomplished this huge thing I’ve been talking about for two years.
For I noticed that I never do that. I never take a second to soak in a goal achieved, an accomplishment, the house I just cleaned, the entry I just posted, the meal I just cooked…whatever it is. I rarely, if ever, let myself sit back, even for a second, and say to myself “I did that.” But sure as shit I will spend hours, if not days, beating the crap out of myself if I don’t achieve those goals or cross those things off my to-do list. So if I’m gonna give brain space to all the negative, it’s only fair I do the same for the sunny side.
So I’ve really been letting myself feel this sense of accomplishment. And it has soaked in! These last couple of days, I’ve been walking on air. And that’s permeated every other aspect of my life. I’ve been feeling more of a desire to connect with people, to be out in the world, to be a part of life again. And I’ve been feeling all “goodwill-towards-man” even.
The other night, as I was riding BART into the city to meet a friend for dinner, I was just sitting there feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude and joy. And trust me when I say no one is ever filled with gratitude and joy on Bay Area Rapid Transit trains. Mostly, people are just filled with piss and vinegar. Okay, mostly piss. And I was just sitting there, listening to Alabama 3 through my headphones with a shit-eating grin on my face which, on BART, is usually an indicator of insanity so you do have to be a little vigilant. And it dawned on me that “Holy fuck, this feeling I’m feeling? It’s happiness. I’m actually happy right now!”
Well, actually Thor and I made it together
As someone who has been on a journey to reclaim her happiness for a few years now, you can imagine how much this fucking delighted me. “OMG, it’s working! I’m happy!” It was all I could do not to jump up and start spinning on the pole in the middle of the BART car, like Gene Kelly in Singing in the Rain, but as a veteran transit rider, I knew to subdue my urges.
But fret not, no George W. Bush am I. You will not see an entry with a picture of me standing under a presumptuous and garish MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner. Happiness, I have learned, is indeed fleeting, so I’m savoring the shit out of this moment, knowing that there will be inevitable dark moments in my future. But right now this feels extraordinarily good.
And it is enough.