Since this is that time of year when we all seem to believe that the turn of a calendar page will miraculously make us different people and cure us of umpteen years of our slothful and disgusting habits, I figured this would be a good time to reconnoiter with y’all and remind you of what this blog is about, what I’m trying to do, and announce a few new things.
Like a lot of people, I struggle with depression. Like a lot of people, I walk around pissed off and frustrated and short-fused most of the time. I also have chronic pain. I got pissed off at being so pissed off all the time so I became a reluctant meditator. I developed my own little mantra of Be Patient, Be Polite, Be Positive, Be Powerful, Be Present. These were all concepts I struggled with each and every goddamned day, so when I meditated, these were these things I meditated on. My shit was (and continues to be) unconventional, self-taught, and on the fly. I’ve found that holding these five concepts close to me throughout any given day has been the thing, more than anything, that has been able to shift my attitude as I move through this increasingly ugly and rude world.
And that’s what this blog is about too—doing whatever the fuck I need to do to keep myself sane and centered and to keep that cunt Depression from being my constant bedfellow, no matter how kooky or strange. And because I can tell a mean story, you’ll get to read about it.
And starting in 2015, hopefully hear about it too. I’m starting a podcast as well! Also under the name Struggling Buddha, of course. I will post here and on the SB Facebook page when I upload my first episode. I do hope you’ll listen to my bourbon-and-cigarette-soaked dulcet tones and get something from it. I want it to be funny, but I also want people who struggle with depression to get something from it as well. Not all advice on depression help has to have the tinkle of New Age music in the background. It is a battle, goddammit, and I’ll talk about my battle with crassness and humor.
But I am a technological idiot, so I have to muddle through an instructional video and figure out what the hell I’m doing first so bear with me, pretties. In the meantime, how is everyone doing with their own fucking resolutions? I tried not to set myself up for the usual failures this year by not making too many and not making them too precise.
My main resolution for 2015: I will not let pain define me. What that has looked like so far to me is mainly communicating better with those around me about where I am with my pain so that my cranky-ass mood doesn’t just fly out of nowhere and stun everyone and ruin the evening, which happens a lot.
It also means I have to spend more time thinking about how I manage my pain meds, especially around booze. I do a lot of “Okay, well I know we’re going to do a lot of walking in about an hour, so I should take a Vicoden now, but then we’re going to drink after that, so that will make me super tired, which will mean that I’ll just be ready to come home and go to bed after dinner.” For fuck’s sake, can someone please invent a pain med that is also an upper? I’m sure my poor wife would be ever so grateful.
Anyway, so I will not let my pain define me. That means I’m going to try as hard as I can to get my ass out there and do things I want to do, no matter what my shitty fucking feet have to say about it. We’ll see how far that strategy gets me. It may backfire, but this letting-life-pass-me-by shit is wearing so very thin for it goes against who I am.
What’s your resolution?