No, I Haven't Found Jesus. And Yes, I Looked Behind the Couch

I'm butthurt right now, y'all. I've got a beef, and I'm gonna write about it here. And I suppose I should add the disclaimer here that I understand that I'm not talking about the Christian majority here; just that small group of twits who insist on proselytizing to all of us heathens. Please understand, I know that there are millions of kind, caring, selfless Christians out there who are fantastic folks. This entry is not directed at you.

A friend of mine posted a beautiful video of Freddy Mercury and David Bowie recording "Under Pressure" on her Facebook page with a comment about Bowie's "angelic voice." Like many of us, she was grieving at the loss of such an amazing and talented human being. Like many of us, she understood that when the planet loses certain people, we are all worse off for it.

But then, but then…some fucking asshole posts a comment on the thread about how there was nothing angelic about Bowie because he "never kept God in his heart" and how he "certainly isn't in Heaven" (the capital "H" hers, of course). This fuckwit didn't stop there though. Not only was this woman announcing that she herself was so omniscient that she knew what was in David Bowie's heart and where he would spend eternity, but then she went on to attack my friend's faith: "If you can read that article and still wonder where David Bowie's heart lies then I would begin to do some searching in your own heart."


Look, I'm an atheist (or a secular humanist, since I don't believe in a god, but I do believe in just being good to other humans and that we all deserve the same rights). And I'll be the first to admit, I'm working to overcome my knee-jerk reaction to people when they tell me they are religious, which is to automatically think "Oh, and I thought you were smart." I have come to accept that there are many different reasons people choose to become religious. Yes, some are indoctrinated by their parents and their parents' church from birth, and fuck those people for merely drinking the Kool-Aid and not thinking for themselves. But some find faith later in life for a variety of understandable reasons. And I can even accept the fact that faith brings an enormous amount of comfort to many people in times of duress. Hey, if that's what floats your boat and you can keep that shit to yourself, more power to you.

It's when the proselytizing starts that I take HUGE ISSUE with your bullshit. Just as with any other religion, Christianity is no exception, you are free to practice it privately, but once you start waving that shit in my face, I will challenge you. Is it not enough that you are living your own life according to your faith and your principles? Why do so many Christians insist that the rest of us live by their credos? Why do so many Christians insist on trying to insert their narrow, ridiculously exclusionary beliefs into our government, for fuck's sake…even though every major doctrine on which this country was founded implicitly states that this shall remain a secular nation? Why are so many Christians concerned by what kind of sex other people are having? Or what movies they watch? Or music they listen to?

Why do you insist that we all must agree on this? Why is it so hard to see that the world need not agree with YOUR set of beliefs and that it's okay if people want to worship Buddha or Mohammed or the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Or even---GASP!---not worship any mystical god at all? Why does this so offend you? You might like eggplant, where many others despise it. Do you go around shouting about aubergines and shoving them down everyone's throats? I mean, honestly, enough. Leave the rest of us in peace. So we assholes are doomed to spend eternity in some hell that we don't even believe in. Isn't that just good riddance for you?

It's fucking maddening, people, and it needs to stop. I mean, damn, all this friend of mine was trying to do was express sadness for a loss she felt, and here comes this religious bully onto her Facebook page, telling her she needs to reexamine her heart because she's mourning the passing of a human being who spread joy on this planet? That's what it is: bullying. "MY GOD BE THE ONE GOD, AND HE WILL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU DON'T TOE THE LINE!" And on a post that had NOTHING to do with religion? The fuck is that nonsense?

For chrissakes, there have been over 6,000 religions started and practiced by human beings since the dawn of time, but you're telling us that YOUR god is the ONE god, and the rest of us will burn in a fiery pit of "hell" and will not enjoy the spoils of "heaven" if we don't behave the way YOU think we should behave? The fucking arrogance on display here! I have Tang in my cupboard, but I don't ask you to believe that I'm a fucking astronaut, lady. If you want to believe that some mythical sky beast is going to whisk you away to a magic eternal kingdom just because you sat your ass in a pew every Sunday, that is your right, but don't foist that voodoo on the rest of us and expect us to swallow it.

I mean, if you're such a shitty Christian that you don't understand some of Christianity's major tenants like "Judge not lest ye be judged" and "Christ is love" then, I'm sorry, you are missing the point. When others on the thread pointed out that her comments on the post were misplaced, she posted some quote about not judging...when she was the only person on the thread doing any judging!! It's that level of hypocrisy amongst the rabid Christians that drives me batty, y'all. There is no concept of logic or of simply treating people humanely because it's the right thing to do. No, you need a god, apparently, to do that. But not only that, if you're not "doing it right" or if you're not being as holy as the next guy, then it still doesn't count. Make no mistake: you are a bully and, frankly, we all just tune out your arrogant loud mouth at that point.

And yes, y'all, I know #NotAllChristians, so please don't think this is a blanket attack on those who choose to practice their faith and worship their god in their hearts…quietly, like it's supposed to work. Unfortunately, the millions of good Christians who do "get" the message of Christianity and spend their time behaving kindly toward all people and doing good things in their communities are not the Christians that get the press. I'm aware of that. So normally I wouldn't write a rant like this here about it because it's just giving more time to a small segment of one religion. Much like "all Muslims are not terrorists," all Christians are not sanctimonious shitbags. But when I encounter it first-hand like that, I just see red. Against my better judgment, I went off on this nitwit. In the end, my friend deleted my scathing comment directed at this human shame-spiral, which is her prerogative. Her page, her stage. And I'm not the least bit mad that she did. But never one to sit back silently when someone uses religion, race, economic status, gender, or sexual proclivities as a bullying tool, I just had to get this rant out.

If you are a person of faith, good for you. It works for you. You receive comfort from it. But don't be so presumptuous as to assume it will work for everyone. Kindly keep your preaching to yourself and stop trying to strong-arm people into your nonsense. You are a blight on humanity.